Martinis 24 March 2002Email Martinis
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No Sass
Rogue gunslinger protects coal dock


photo by PAT

Third trick was shaken up Friday when some youngsters tried to rob a boxcar filled with cans of imported Italian fagioli beans. Unfortunately, the villains came face to face with coal dock loose cannon Wild Bill Kurt, who was patrolling the area in a Sherman tank. Kurt claims he was on firewatch when the kids tried to give him "some sass." When they arrived on the scene, port authorities found three guilty 12-year-olds tied and gagged, but couldn't understand why in the world Kurt was carrying around military-grade firearms on third shift. In addition to the tank, authorities confiscated several pistols, a grenade launcher, some Bang Snaps, and a photo of Police Academy's Tackleberry from Kurt's wallet. Wild Bill said when he's on firewatch he takes no chances, and absolutely no sass. Both Kurt and the three minors were held back for questioning.

Ten Minute
Local chinese restaurant amazes customers
Lately, lovers of good takeout food are headed for the Moon -- but they're not taking the space shuttle. Residents are getting their takeout from the Ashtabula Plaza at the Main Moon Chinese restaurant. Although it includes a dining area, the Main Moon's specialty is their takeout business where orders are unbelievably ready in "ten minute." What's more, the size of the order doesn't seem to make any difference in the time it takes to pick it up. In a weekend experiment Martinis phoned in a smorgasbord to the tune of about $75 and was asked only, "How bout ten minute?" Moon takeout manager, Fong, says she doesn't mind when her friend "Telly" Orlando calls in the big orders from work. "Oooh, Telly, Telly, he so funny," said Fong, "but no Wild Bill, he bring big gun, Wild Bill scare broccoli." The Crow told Martinis that employees are actually content when the guys from the dock show up and Big John kills the lunch buffet. Phone orders, Fong, and fried rice are the formula for cash in this eatery where everything is ready before you can say "Mongolian chicken." All of this comes to the dismay of Moy's restaurant owners Albert and Mimi Notarianni. The couple said they will be offering free goldfish to all parties over six in an effort to combat the Moon's ridiculously fast service.


TOPTENITEMSINJOEORLANDO'SSHED
10. The Simplicity
9. Pole hole digger
8. Louisville Slugger
7. The blue wagon
6. Can of slapping powder
5. Wasp's nest
4. The golden hose
3. Tent up in the rafters
2. Jani's lawn darts
1. Little Joey's Pepsi cola ten speed


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